i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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