I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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