Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
