Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
