ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
