Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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