my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
