Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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