Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
