I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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