So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
