You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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