I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
