The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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