I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
