Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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