My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
