I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
