I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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