Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
