So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
