quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Randomize
