I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Randomize
