ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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