The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
