if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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