just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
