a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
