What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
