I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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