If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
