He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
