i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
you inspire me to be a worse person
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
