I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
