I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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