I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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