It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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