Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
