I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
