Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
