hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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