I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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