you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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