Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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