I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
