I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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