I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
