Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Vodka?
Forever.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
