We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
