Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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