end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
