If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
