I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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